Starting the Year with Stan

Happy 2011!

I am still feeling the January 1 effect, as I am on a mission to be more organized this year. I have been reading online and magazine articles as I plan to catalogue years of saved articles, journals and manuscripts, and thousands of photographs. Thanks to Michelle Connolly, the Get Organized Wizard, I have decided to "start simple" and "step away from the whip." I understand that a twenty-year filing system that consists of "Keep" or "Save" is a bit too simplistic, but I also know that I can't beat myself up during the tough assignment ahead.

So I've decided to start the year with Stan. Years ago I went to a children's book conference with several library ladies. We always learned so much about each other on these outings, which were just as memorable as the conferences. This particular group of women possessed expressive storytelling abilities, creative talents and rare gifts of conversation that I have found unmatched to date. We were traveling home from this particular conference when one of the ladies mentioned in passing that her husband alphabetized the items in their kitchen cabinets, and their closets, and their REFRIGERATOR! Having three children at the time, all under the age of twelve, I had trouble merely reciting the alphabet! I was amazed! According to his wife, he had alphabetized the storage areas of their home and garage their entire married life! He even alphabetized the tools in the garage! TRUE STORY!

WOW! What an unbelievable feat! His name was and is Stan, as he is still out there somewhere alphabetizing grocery items! I absolutely could not believe that there were individuals who lived life with such discipline and execution. I can understand that a librarian might want to organize his or her fiction books in alphabetical order by the author's last name, but everything in every cabinet?! WOW, again!

Despite my disbelief, I have decided to alphabetize in 2011. I am going to set up files with keywords that are applicable, and I am going to reorganize them in alphabetical order. Just like Stan the Alphabet Man! I wrote the original draft of his story driving home from that conference that day. Talk about texting and driving -- try writing a story and driving! I wrote the actual manuscript twelve years ago, and I have never forgotten Stan.

TODAY'S BIG STORY: I am driving home from a conference that featured notable children's book authors, emerging writers and literary speakers from across the country; and yet I am totally preoccupied with a man named Stan. Stan the Alphabet Man. He is the husband of one of my co-workers, and he alphabetizes all the storage in his home! I am writing and driving because I want to remember his story, and I want to be able to tell it exactly as it is coming to me inside this vehicle! I feel like a real roving reporter trying to recount every detail...from A to Z.

STAN THE ALPHABET MAN

This is what we know about how it all began –
how Stan grew up to be the Alphabet Man.
Every word is true – it happened just this way,
and Stan is still alive to this very day.

When Stan was just a boy – about two or three,
Stan learned the letters A—B—C.
Stan learned the letters D—E—F.
Stan learned the alphabet right by himself.

So that’s how it happened – from the time he was kid,
Stan used the alphabet for everything he did.
A—B—C was the story of his life,
even after he married his sweet little wife.

Stan’s sweet wife adjusted to his ways.
They planned a life together for the rest of their days.
But like any couple, they had to work things out.
Sometimes Stan’s life of order made her want to shout!

One day they both went to the grocery store.
Stan started a fuss when he walked inside the door.
“Hey! Why aren’t the Chips and Cookies on Aisle C?
And why is the Ketchup on Aisle J
where the Jelly and Jam should be?

Why is the Coffee on the same shelf with the Tea,
and who put the Bread and the Buns on Aisle P?
Why everyone knows they should be on Aisle B!”

His sweet wife said, “Please calm down, Honey.
Here comes the manager. This really isn’t funny.”
Stan yelled out, “I know it’s not funny! I will not be quiet!
Not one thing in this store is on the shelf right!”

His wife replied, “Come on, dear, let’s take our groceries home;
then we can put them in the order they belong.”
Stan walked to the car and put the groceries in the back.
He carried them into the house and took them out of the sack.

Stan opened the fridge and said, “Honey, if you please,
pass me the Apples, the Butter and the Cheese,
the Doughnuts, the Eggs, and the Frozen French Fries,
the Grapes and Ham, Ice cream and Jam,
Kidney beans, Lima beans, Macaroni Noodles and Pecan Pies.

All the way down to the very bottom shelf
with a little space to fill and a few items left,
Stan shouted, “Oh No!! Oh No!!
The Watermelon simply WILL NOT GO!!

We will have to start over from the bottom to the top!”
But then someone screamed, “ NO! WAIT A MINUTE! STOP!
I’ve had it! I mean it!” yelled Stan’s sweet little wife.
She reached into the drawer and pulled out a knife!

“We are not starting over! I know what to do!
Hand me that melon! I’ll cut it in two!
I’ll cut it in fours! I’ll cut it in eights!
I’ll cut it in pieces and put it on plates!

We only have Yogurt and Zucchini to go!
We will not start over because I SAID SO!”
So that’s just the way they kept it, until five years later,
when Stan bought his wife a new refrigerator!

And even though Stan always seemed a little strange,
his sweet little wife never made him change.
They both lived together, happy as could be
with their four children – Abe, Bea, CeCe and Dee.
(and a dog named Zee!)

----- End, The -----

Copyright 1999, Dianne B. McLaurin.

I still love that story! I'll be sure to file it under S for Stan!

Dianne ; )